Sarumaeniel and the seven Thobbits
by salendola
Summary: A parody on snowwhite. Read at your own risk it's really, really silly. Beards, bitties and beefjerky galore!


Sarumaeniel and the Seven Thobbits 

A long, long time ago in a kingdom called Middle-Hearth, there lived a wizard-maiden. She was fair, and clad in long white robes. Her face was pale and her eyes piercing.

Not to mention her beard was impressive.

In fact, it was the most impressive beard ever seen in the kingdom. Men worshipped that beard, women would kill for that beard. And, just occasionally, children would play hide-and-seek in that beard. Sarumaeniel was happy, or as happy as she could be with that beard claiming all that attention. You see, Sarumaeniel wasn't all that fond of that kind of attention. Her suitors had only eyes for her beard. The rest of her seemed of little importance to them. This greatly vexed Sarumaeniel, since she had many good qualities equally worthy of attention. She was smart, obnoxious and powerful. Were those not admirable qualities in one so young?

Anyway, to cut a long story short, Sarumaeniel wasn't exactly overjoyed. Her wicked stepmother only made it worse. Gandalfia had a most grand beard herself, but it just couldn't win the crowd as Sarumaeniel's did. This, in turn, vexed the wicked stepmother to no end. She didn't marry some dopey king of Men, whom she afterwards poisoned with overcooked salami, to get stuck sitting second chair to some white-haired bimbo! Oh no, things would have to change!

She consulted her all-seeing orb one day, after it had said that ' no matter how hard she tried, the white beard would always prevail, and please get a tan!', she felt she could take it no longer. She discussed the matter with herself, and came to the conclusion that the white beard had to go! She called forth her best Stranger.

'Aragroan,' said she.' The beard is bothering me!'

' Shave it off, then.'

' No, not my beard, stupid! Sarumaeniel's!'

' Ahyeah! Okay! So shave hers off!'

' That's why you're here.'

' To get a shave?'

' No, to shave Sarumaeniel's beard off!'

' Ow, okay! Got it. Ehm… now?'

' No, yesterday! Stupid!'

' …'

' JUST GO!'

So Aragroan listened to his gut, and got the hell out of there. He found Sarumaeniel in the garden, trying to untangle the mass of children that had gathered in her beard to hold a secret meeting. Aragroan helped her untangle the children, and suggested to Sarumaeniel to take a walk in the woods. Sarumaeniel saw no danger in this, only the discomfort of getting her beard stuck in the nearby rosebushes. When they reached the forest, however, he pushed Sarumaeniel in a barber-chair that had been conveniently placed there and tied her up.

' I'm sorry, pretty lady, but the beard has to go!'

Sarumaeniel screamed.

Loudly.

Really really loudly! Aragroan, sensitive soul that he was, hated the sound of screaming.

' For the love of Ellavator, stop! I can't stand it anymore!'

Sarumaeniel stopped screaming and looked at the Stranger.

' Well, all right then! Wimp.' She muttered darkly. ' Now untie me, would you?'

The Stranger did so, and it wasn't long till Sarumaeniel was free.

' Go on into the forest, dear, non-screaming, lady. You cannot go home, that being the death for both of us. I will kill some forest-creature with long hair and dye it white. No one will know the difference!' Aragroan wasn't the brightest apple in the bunch. Sarumaeniel felt pity for him, and cut off some of the white hair on her head. She gave it the surprised Stranger.

' Here you go. Take this to Gandalfia. Be free!'

Aragroan bowed, took the hair and walked back to the castle. Sarumaeniel had a lot to think about. Where would she go? Would anyone want to help her? Who put the razz in the razzmatazz? This was all just too confusing for her poor brain to comprehend! She wandered aimlessly for days on end, until she stumbled upon a clearing. The sun shone brightly upon a grassy mount, and Sarumaeniel took the time to sunbathe. What she didn't know then, however, was that this was the roof of the home of seven young thobbits. They had been on the farm all day working the soil, making bread and beer and being overall a happy bunch of little people. When they came home and saw this bearded lady lying on the roof, one could say with certainty that this surprised them somewhat. They walked around the hill for a while, until one of them had the guts to poke Sarumaeniel.

' Hey! Stop poking me, you fool! You looking for an ass-whoopin'?'

The thobbit yelped and jumped back, out of the reach of those evil fists. Sarumaeniel sat up and stretched a bit. She yawned and looked around. When seeing the thobbit, she let out a confused 'Eep!' and tried to run away. Regretfully, she was surrounded by seven thobbits.

' Take whatever you want, just don't kill me, rape me or touch my beard!' She said helplessly. One of the thobbits looked at her with contempt.

' You bearded women. Always thinking someone's trying to get under your skirts.'

The other thobbits nodded in agreement. Sarumaeniel felt her cheeks turning red as she mumbled an apology. One of the other thobbits approached her.

' Allow us to introduce ourselves. My name is Odorf, the fat one over there is called Mass. Those two mischief-makers are called Minny and Poppin. The one with the big, brown beard is called Griminy. Don't worry, he's not as scary as he looks. The blond, prissy one in the corner is Lillygest, and the one who spoke with you earlier is called Brimmer. We're very happy to make your acquaintance.'

' Same here. I'm sorry I fell asleep on your roof, guys. I really didn't know…'

' Sure, that's what they all say! Stupid humans!' The one called Brimmer remarked. Sarumaeniel decided not let this cranky critter distract her.

' I need a place to stay,' she continued.' I'll work for you, of course! I'll cook, clean. Heck, I'll even mow the lawn!'

The hobbits seemed to like that, and so she stayed with them for a while.

In between, however, Gandalfia had found out that Sarumaeniel hadn't lost her beard. Aragroan had once again listened to his gut and was happily in hiding, so Gandalfia couldn't hurt him. She was very furious about this deceitful act, but there was nothing she could do now but be pissed.

So, for a short while, Sarumaeniel led a happy, tranquil life amongst the hobbits, and she got to know them a bit better. The poor dears had been thrown together by fate… And sometimes a dead relative or two. In Odorf's case, two drowned parents. Minny and Poppin never discussed their family, but it was generally believed they had none. Considering the many pranks these two pulled, they probably died laughing. Lillygest claimed he had come from over the seas on some giant shell, but nobody really believed that. Poor Griminy had lost his family when they were attacks by vicious Sporcs. He still had nightmares about those horrible hand-gestures in the dark. As for Mass, his parents were still alive, but he had got so fat over the years he no longer fit through the door. As for Brimmer, he had no idea where his brother was and his father had died horribly in a freak bonfire accident. A tragic group, indeed, but Sarumaeniel loved each and everyone of them.

As time passed, Gandalfia brooded. And she brooded well, for it wasn't long till an evil scheme was hatched. It looked at its mother and smiled, and Gandalfia smiled back, showing her pearly whites in a very frightening manner. Sarumaeniel wouldn't be safe for very long, oh no!

On day, as the hobbits were working on the farm, Sarumaeniel had taken the lawnmower and was happily mowing an end away, when a young, fair-haired maiden came walking to the door. Sarumaeniel walked up to meet her. The young woman praised her beard and Sarumaeniel's fair physique. She was touched by the young woman's words, and asked her in for tea.

' I'm very sorry, but I'm afraid I must respectfully decline. There are children nearby, you see.'

Sarumaeniel got scared. Visions of children climbing inside her beard and biting her like fleas. Not to mention getting sick and throwing up on her, turning her robes from white into many colours indeed. She looked at the young woman in horror.

' That's horrible! I hate children! What must we do?'

' Well, I have something here that might work…'

At that, the young woman produced a small spray-can. The label said; "**Child repellent**, to keep the **real** pests out of your hair".

The young woman gave the can to Sarumaeniel, who took it gladly. She wanted to thank the young woman, but she had mysteriously disappeared. Sarumaeniel shrugged, took the can and sprayed.

And as we all know, sprays of unknown origin should not be used lightly. Sarumaeniel felt herself get light-headed, then everything went black.

When the thobbits found her, her beard had already shrunk a good bit. They managed to revive her, and destroyed the evil spray. Sarumaeniel's poor beard had been saved, but just barely. Gandalfia, in her disguise of young maiden, swore under her breath and threw random objects at people. She had seen in her all-seeing orb that her plan had failed, and she was now very anxious to get her revenge. So she did more scheming. And brooding. And pondering. And at last, she got the most perfect plan ever devised by anyone in Middle-Hearth. She cackled wickedly, and set to work.

The thobbits warned Sarumaeniel not accept gifts from strangers. Sarumaeniel promised them she wouldn't do that, but you know how it goes in fairy tales.

Anyway, for a short while they were once again at peace, and Sarumaeniel's beard was back to its normal length. One day, as the thobbits had once again gone to the farm to plough their cute little rear-ends off, Sarumaeniel was sitting outside getting a tan. It was then, that she heard someone, or something, approach. She looked up, and took off her sunglasses to get a better view. An old woman made her way out of the woods. She looked tired, and Sarumaeniel, kind soul that she was when well-fed, took pitty on her and offered her a seat.

' Thank you, me dear! Ai've been walking all day long, I 'ave! Slavin' away to feed me husband and me ingrateful, festerin' children.'

Sarumaeniel nodded fiercely in agreement. She knew about ungrateful, festering children all too well. She offered the woman some tea, and it wasn't long before they were having a very pleasant conversation indeed. When the woman was rested enough to go on her way, she gave Sarumaeniel a fresh batch of beef jerky. Sarumaeniel was thrilled, for beef jerky was a sparse commodity where she came from. And on the rare occasions that it was available, the little pimply bastards formerly known as children ate it all. But Sarumaeniel remembered the wise words her friends had spoken, and gave it back to the old woman.

' I'm sorry, but I can't accept it. There's someone out there trying to kill me. That,' she said, pointing at aforementioned beef,' could be poisoned.'

The old woman put up such an affronted face, that Sarumaeniel couldn't help but back away in terror.

' Are you sayin' my beef ain't fresh? Not fresh, MY beef!'

'N-No, I-I-I wouldn't d…'

' NOT FRESH, MY BEEF! WELL I'LL BE BUGGERED!'

' Sorry, I didn't mean t…'

' NOT. FRESH. MY. BEEF…?'

'…Okay, I'll take it.'

' That's my girl.'

Sarumaeniel looked at the package of beef jerky that now rested firmly in her hands. The old woman was gone.

_Wow, she's fast for an old bitty!_ Sarumaeniel thought to herself. She looked at the package again. The old lady hadn't been much of a threat, except for that last bit. And they did have a nice talk first. After talking to herself for about thirty-two minutes, Sarumaeniel had convinced herself that the beef was a gift from a divine force, sent to her because she had been such a good girl all day long. With a big smile on her face, and gleeful noises coming from the back of her throat, Sarumaeniel opened the package.

'Hmmm! Oh, that smells really nice. Now, let's see…'

Sarumaeniel started digging around for a nice, salty bit. She really enjoyed the salty bits. It wasn't long before she found one. A nice, big, salty piece of beef smiled at her from the bottom of the package. Sarumaeniel took it between two fingers, and fished it out. Being a big fan of good foreplay, she gazed at it longingly for two whole minutes. Which was very long, for one so impatient. Then, so slowly it was just teasing, she stuck out her tongue and prodded it. Oh, salty goodness! Not being able to restrain herself any longer, she passionately gulped up the lot within thirty seconds. A new record, since the old one of thirty-two seconds by Quisby Hannelschnoz had now been beat by a full two seconds. Well-fed and happy, and happily well-fed, Sarumaeniel took up her place in the sun once again to bask in its glory.

And then the coughing began.

Sarumaeniel tried to stop, but couldn't. And it only got worse. By the time the thobbits came back, her throat was sore and her eyes were red and watery from crying. Lillygest, who was the only one in the group with a first-aid diploma, ordered the other thobbits to take her inside the thobbit-hole. They placed Sarumaeniel on her bed, and stood around her while Lillygest examined her. His findings were disturbing. He didn't want to disturb Sarumaeniel, who had finally fallen asleep, so he ushered the other thobbits outside.

' Gentlemen, we have a problem.' He began. 'It seems our dear, sweet, innocent lady has once again been deceived by the forces of evil. She has eaten the beef formerly known as jerky, and her beard is now growing inside out.'

The other thobbits had no idea what he meant.

' I'm sorry, but we've no idea what you mean.' Odorf said. The others nodded in the affirmative.

' Well, let me put it this way. Beards are meant to grow outside, on your chin. Sarumaeniel's beard has changed course, and is now growing inwardly, Down her throat and into her digestive system. If explained it to you in detail, you would probably need a thousand-and-one enemas.'

They all shuddered involuntarily (except Griminy, he liked to shudder.). When they were done shuddering, suggestions poured forth from every direction.

' Shave!' Cried one thobbit.

'Wax!' Yelled another.

' Hair-removal cream!' Said a third.

' Let's just tweezer the lot!' Suggested a fourth.

In the end, all their suggestions proved fruitless. Nothing helped. Sarumaeniel had been asleep for weeks now, and she seemed almost dead with her pale skin and deep eyes. Those poor, poor thobbits were getting sadder by the day.

From the dark, dark tower on top of her dark, dark castle, Gandalfia laughed a dark, dark laugh.

' That's what you get for hogging all the salty bits!' She cackled. The all-seeing orb, who never spoke except on very, very rare occasions, felt it was time to speak.

' Now, Gandalfia. You know I usually don't bother to speak, except on very, very rare occasions. But I feel it is time to speak.'

' All right, minion… speak.' Gandalfia said, waving a hand as if waving away a pesky fly.

The all-seeing orb cleared its throat.

' Sarumaenielwillwinintheend, youwillbedestroyedyourevilrulewillcometoanendandhaveimentionedyouwilldie?'

'…What?'

' …Oh, nothing.'

' Good, now show me the grieving thobbits again. Oi, Scantily-clad servant man, bring me popcorn!'

So gandalfine had popcorn, with salty bits, and enjoyed watching the sad little creatures building a glass case to put Sarumaeniel in.

' Plastic? What do you mean plastic! I ORDERED GLASS, YOU HALFWITTED SURGE OF PHLEGM!' Griminy yelled. He was, after all, a craftsman. And one cannot work crafts on a piece of plastic, as well as one can on a surface of glass. The delivery-thobbit backed away as far as he could.

' I'm sorry, master Griminy, but that's all we've got. We've had a big order come in for a glass case a few days ago, so we're all out. And so are the neighbouring companies. Apparently, this snow-white is a rather large kind of girl.'

Griminy growled into his beard, paid the thobbit and dragged the plastic into the house. Great, they had to bury their foreign beauty in a plastic bottle. The Ministry of Environmental Health would be all over them before the year was out. He had already begun to design the art on the glass, to make sure it would capture her beauty perfectly. Such a beard, after all, was as worthy of praise post-mortum as it was when she had been alive. Now, he would have to start all over again. All in all, it was a rather frustrating day for our dear thobbit. And of course, as Murphy would have it, it got worse.

' Griminy! The barn's on fire!'

' Great, lovely, dashing. I'M COMING, DAMN YOU!'

_But wait a minute!_ I can hear you thinking, _where is Aragroan in all this? Is he dead? Buried? Eaten by small animals?_

None of these, I'm glad to tell you. In fact, Aragroan wasn't far from the thobbit-hole, making his way through the forest. He may not be the brightest apple in the bunch, you see, but he did know things. He knew about the laws of the great Himalayan philosopher Zupos-tgo, and he was a fervent believer in those laws. He saw smoke on the horizon, and decided to go there and lend a hand. Maybe these people could tell him where his princess was, too. As he entered the clearing, his eyes met with an unfamiliar sight. The two shook hands.

' Hi, there. I'm an Unfamiliar Sight. In this case, I consist of little men putting out a fire and one little man shouting dirty words at a surface of plastic.'

' Pleased to meet you. I am the Eyes of Aragroan. A dirty job, but someone's got to do it.'

Aragroan walked up to the men, and asked if he could help.

' Can I help?' he asked.

' Sure, knock yourself out.'

Together, Aragroan and the thobbits put out the fire. As they sat back, tired and aching from the hard work, Aragroan's already mangled eyes rested upon Griminy.

' Why's he yelling at the plastic?'

' Because he was counting on glass. He feels horrible about having to bury our lady in Tupperware.'

' Your lady?'

The thobbit's eyes began to shine.

' Yes, lady Sarumaeniel. Fairest of the fair, and fair-bearded besides.'

Aragroan's eyes widened in horror.

' Are you telling me the lady Sarumaeniel is dead? But, that's awful!'

The thobbit rubbed the back of his neck in shame. 'Well, she's not exactly dead. As such. She just… doesn't wake up… oh, and her beard's growing down her neck. Lillygest wouldn't tell us the fine print, because we would have to have a thousand-and-one enemas.'

' …right, so she's not dead?'

' Ehm, no.'

' Then there's hope, isn't there?'

' How do you mean?'

'Have you ever heard about the laws of Zupos-tgo?'

The little man gave the Stranger a long, hard stare.

' Yeah, I think I have. But what does that have to do with anything?'

Aragroan asked the thobbits to gather around, as he explained what he knew about the great Laws of Zupos-tgo. When you're a princess in a story, you don't just go around dying all over the place. You fall asleep and, after many turns of hardship and danger on his part, the handsome prince wakes you up with a kiss. And then the princess marries the prince and lives happily ever after with no mention at all of children or dirty knickers. As Aragroan finished, the thobbits looked at one another in amazement. For someone who looked like he wasn't the brightest apple in the bunch, he sure had a lot of useful information in his noggin. Odorf stood up.

' You have told us a great many things, stranger.'

' Thank you, but how do you know I am a Stranger?'

' Because we do not know you, you must be a stranger.'

' But, you don't know my friend Rodney either, and he's no Stranger.'

' Not to you, no. But to us, yes.'

' …How'd you figure that?'

' …?'

Griminy felt this was the ideal time to intervene.

' All right, so she isn't dead if some prince comes over to give her the smooch of life. But what if that won't happen? It's not like princes come around here on a regular basis.'

' Well, I've heard about this new thing, called "revering psycholology".' Mass rumbled.

' That's "reverse psychology", you wedgie on the fat ass of humanity!' Brimmer commented dryly. ' And yes, that just might work. If we put up a big sign by the side of the road, saying "don't follow this sign, there is no beautiful princess at the end of it" there just may be a few princes who'll fall for it.'

The other nodded their agreement. All was not yet lost.

From a distance, Gandalfia laid eyes on her rogue Stranger and seethed with anger. Not only had he not done as she instructed, he was now fraternising with the enemy forces. This would definitely not do! Regretfully, the all-seeing orb had no sound attached to it, just image. So Gandalfia had no idea what they were up to. This vexed her tremendously. She grabbed one of her many sharp objects, and began to stab at the table in frustration.

' Something vexes thee?' One of her scantily-clad servant men asked her.

' Oh my, can you tell?'

' It's pretty obvious from where I'm standing, yeah.'

' Well, then. Tell me, my half-naked popcorn-carrier, what you would do in such a case as this: The hussy who threatens to take over my throne with that voluptuous mass of hair on her chin, is momentarily out of action. Her friends, however, seem not to have given up hope after all. They are hatching a plan of some sort, and I have no idea what it is. How would you solve this?'

' Ehm… go over there ,and have a look?'

Gandalfia's eyes gleamed white in the half-darkness of her room.

' Excellent notion, minion. Now give me a foot-rub. My sores are killing me. And use the good oil this time, not that cheap stuff from the 24-hour a day shop next door. That stuff reeks of barnacles. Get me the jasmine-scented one!'

' At once, mistress.'

So our thobbits had hope, Gandalfia had a footrub and Aragroan had no idea.

Thump, thump, thump THUMP.

' Well, that ought to do it. One hell of a fine prince-luring sign, if I do say so myself.' Griminy said, as he stepped back to give his handiwork a proper looking-over. And he was right. The sign was big, well-written (Odorf had a very steady hand and very good grammar-skills) and it stood proudly on its pole, waiting for royal passers-by to notice it. On it was painted a big, red arrow pointing into the forest. Under said arrow it said the following in black letters:

è

Do NOT follow this arrow,

It will NOT lead to a princess.

I repeat, there is NO princess

At all

Really

The other hobbits looked at it with solid admiration (which is better than liquid admiration, since it will not flush as easily). They smiled at one another.

Yes, this would work.

From a nearby shrubbery, Gandalfia looked at the spectacle that unfolded before her eyes. So, the little creatures thought she would be outdone by reverse psychology, did they? So sad, really. Gandalfia went back to her castle as swiftly as she could. She would get her revenge this time. Thank goodness that Minny and Poppin came up with a good idea.

' Someone should stand guard by the sign, to make sure nobody can destroy it. The well-being of our princess is at stake.' They said. The others nodded.

' I'll take the watch tonight.' Aragroan offered. As night closed in on them, the thobbits went to sleep. Aragroan curled up by the fire, the sign held firmly to his chest. No one would do anything to this sign while he defended it. With this thought in mind, he fell asleep almost immediately. He never noticed the sign being pulled from his arms, or the sound of brushing, or someone writing foul words on his forehead with a waterproof marker. All this, he would find out in the morning.

When Aragroan woke up, he found the sign was still in his arms. Sighing the sigh of sweet relief, he put it in front of him to get a good look at it. His high-pitched scream awoke the sleeping thobbits, sending them into a frenzy. As they came out of their thobbit-hole, they found a crying Aragroan holding up a sign that now had a big, red hand on it, which was giving them the Finger. Underneath, the lyrics had been changed to three simple words:

Up yours, Bitches!

The poor thobbits were devastated. Now what were they going to do? No to mention, Aragroan was covered from head to toe with …interesting dialogue. A giggle from the bushes interrupted their grief.

' That beard? No…it can't be…'

' Oh, but it is. Stranger-boy! It is I, GANDALFIA!' Gandalfia yelled, as she jumped out of the bushes. 'I have beaten you again, you dirty little midgets! Now what are you going to do? Mwuhahahaha!'

Of course, Gandalfia showing up at this point of the tale is wholly disturbing. Not to mention she was breaking fairytale-law by doing so. But let's not ruin the fun, shall we? Gandalfia was just about to do a victory-dance, when a large anvil mysteriously dropped from the sky and collided quite painfully with her cranium.

'THONK!'

The thobbits screamed loudly, and all looked up at the sky to see what else was forthcoming. Aragroan didn't bother to look at all, but held the desecrated sign over his head, hoping it would take some of the ouch out of the pain.

'Fear not, dear thobbits. It is just I.'

The thobbits looked up, and saw a bright light approaching them from above. It landed amongst them.

'Ooooh, shiny.' Commented lillygest. Griminy raised his eyebrows.

As the light started to fade, a shape became clear. A thobbit-shape.

'FRAMMER! IT REALLY IS YOU!' Brimmer yelled, as he hugged his long-lost brother.

'Yes brother, it's me.'

They slapped each other on the back many times, and Brimmer introduced Frammer to his band of merry thobbits. Frammer shook hands with each of them, and even took time to talk to Aragroan, who was now holding the sign as one would hold, say, a baseball-bat, and was eyeing Frammer with distrust.

'Calm down, my friend. I do not mean you any harm. You followed the laws of Zupos-Tgo, our great philosopher and the founder of Fairytale-law. Therefore, no harm will come to you. Your dear foe Gandalfia, however, did not abide our laws. It is because of this, we had to do her in. Not to mention we didn't like her much.'

'What would you have done if you had liked her?' Odorf asked, more out of curiosity than sense.

'We would have dropped a concert-piano on her. What other option could there possibly be?' Fremmer answered, smiling his little white guts out.

'Well, that's all fine and dandy, mr. Shiny Pants man,' Griminy grumbled.' But what about our lady fair, marvellous of beard and splendid of hair? Must she forever be asleep? Please answer 'no', or I shall weep!' Lillygest patted him on the back, as Griminy started weeping softly. The other thobbits were becoming sad as well. Being rid of Gandalfia was a fine thing, to be sure, but it didn't bring Sarumaeniel back. Frammer didn't look like he could, either.

'I am sorry to have to say this, but I cannot bring her back. The laws of Zupos-Tgo will care for her as they have for all of you. You must have faith.'

'I can't remember you yourself being so high on faith when our father died.' Brimmer mentioned slyly.

'This is true.' Frammer sighed, loudly for dramatic effect. 'But I should have. Things have their time, as do people. We must only wait, and believe that help will come.'

Barely had he spoken the words, or the rustling of bushes could be heard not far off. All present looked as one in the direction of the sound, and it wasn't long before the forest opened up to reveal a rather pallid man in black clothing, riding a black horse which looked very well-fed and muscular.

'I guess we weren't praying hard enough.' Griminy commented dryly,' Instead of a handsome prince of a white horse, we got a white prince on handsome horse.'

The man got off his horse, and dusted of his robes. 'I am afraid I am not even that, for I am not of royal blood. I am, however, considered a prince by some, a king by others, and an emperor by a select few.'

The thobbits consulted with one another. Surely, this could be the prince they were waiting for!

'Excuse me, sir?' Odorf said, ' We have a little bit of a problem we think you could help us with.'

'Tell me, and spare me no details.' The white prince answered. Odorf told him, and told him everything. The other thobbits listened, mostly to make sure he didn't leave anything out. When the tale was finished, the prince nodded.

' I think I can solve your problem for you. Question is; what's in it for me?'

Aragroan jumped at the chance to say something. 'Then you get to marry her!'

The prince startled. 'I'm not sure if I'm ready for that kind of commitment!'

'Yes, you are.' Frammer said, holding up the prince's wallet. 'You already joined the Columbia Record Club. If that's not a commitment, then I don't know what is.'

'Oi, you nicked my wallet!'

'Yes.'

'Right!' Odorf intervened. 'So, you up for it or not?' He asked the prince. The prince took a moment to contemplate, then nodded.

'Alright, let's go!'

The thobbits led the prince to the place where they had put Sarumaeniel in her casket which was, regretfully, still made out of plastic. At the sight of this enigmatic beauty, the prince had no choice. He sat down next to the casket, and touched her face.

'What a splendid beauty, and so well-conserved.'

'That's plastic for ya.'

The prince placed a chaste kiss on Sarumaeniel's lips, but there was no response.

'There's no response.' Griminy said, now more than slightly depressed.

'I didn't expect it to.' The prince answered, as he gently grabbed Sarumaeniel's chin an pulled it down slightly, so her mouth was now hanging ajar.

'Oh god, he's not going t…'

But he did. He snogged her like no woman had ever been snogged in the history of fairytales everywhere. As the two pairs of lips parted, the thobbits saw the prince held in his mouth an amount of white hair so large the thobbits couldn't believe Sarumaeniel could hold inside her skinny body. The leaned over to see if this would be, as they say, it.

Luckily, it was. Sarumaeniel opened her eyes, squinting into the bright sunlight she had not seen or felt for so long. She looked up at the thobbits, and smiled. Then, it was like somebody turned up the volume and the thobbits where dancing, cheering, hugging each other and hugging and kissing Sarumaeniel. Griminy especially, for he had fallen in live with that beard. And now that its bearer lived, it filled him with glee. Sarumaeniel managed to sit up, and looked at the man who had saved her from what she had believed to be her end.

'Brave sir, how can I ever repay thee?' She said, looking at him with her big brown eyes. The prince looked at her shyly.

'I would be honoured, lady, if you would have my hand in marriage.'

Sarumaeniel was startled by this sudden proposal, but before she could answer such, Odorf hugged the prince.

'How did you do it? May we know?' He asked enthusiastically. The other thobbits agreed loudly that the prince should tell them how he'd done it.

'Alright, if you insist.' The prince answered. 'I fished it out with my tongue. In countries, castles and caves everywhere, I am known as Grima Snaketongue. My tongue can become as long as thrice the height of a grown man.'

The thobbits looked at him in awe.

'Ooooooh.' Lillygest said, blushing quite a different shade of pink.

The prince turned back to Sarumaeniel. ' I am sorry for this interruption, dear lady. Have you considered my offer?'

'Yes, yes, yes, I'll take it!' Sarumaeniel cried, and pounced on the prince.

The thobbits cheared, and Aragroan cried. He was so fond of weddings. Maybe one day, lady Airwon would consider his suit. If he told her about his work, and how he'd help save the princess, her father Allwont may not be so harsh with him and bombard him with bedpans as he did the last time. Or tie him to the back of a rabid wart, as he'd done the time before that. His bottom had hurt for over a fortnight.

As he contemplated this, our Stranger did not notice the departure of a new friend. Frammer looked at the scenery of happiness that had unfolded before him, and smiled. Now, to go and find that snow white girl. She should be around here somewhere…

The end!

Afterburner:

1. This was a parody on Lord of the Rings and Snow White, in case you hadn't noticed.

2. I have once eaten beef jerky as mentioned in the story, but found it rather dull and chemical.

3. The mentioning of the Columbia Record Club as a sign of commitment, was borrowed from Weird Al's song 'Albuquerque'.

4. The story of Lillygest coming out of the ocean on a seashell was based on Botticelli's painting 'The birth of Venus'.

5. I assume we all know Tupperware.


End file.
